by Hope Jemimah Ogutu, Circle Member
~ photo by Devon Peavoy @thiswildair
I was in the forest singing an elemental song when I received the call to attend the Heart Flame Retreat at the Edge in February 2020. I was in the moment understanding that I was in the process of healing and reuniting dismembered pieces of myself after suffering recent trauma where I had to endure loss. I sang these elemental songs as a prayer to the elementals to reunite and re-member the dis-membered pieces of me in the now moment. It felt very ancient, feminine and like a retrieval of my soul. Memories of the Edge at Algonquin returned to me unexpectedly and I thought that it was just to acknowledge the shamanic nature of the moment but, it was much more, much deeper.
I returned home filled with spirit after connecting in the forest, with the earth mother and the elementals and I was inspirited to write to the Way of the Circle Centre and share that I felt a calling to the Edge and that I had an offering for the Edge at this time. I tried to temper the force at which it came through, as I had not been at the Edge for years and I searched myself that it wasn’t my ego or self-righteousness. It was at that moment that I realized that the loss, grief and trauma that I had been healing through was not just mine, but connected to the ancestors and the collective.
I have searched myself on how open I am ready to be with this writing and I am guided to be as open, honest and vulnerable as I can be. Because healing personal trauma can feel very isolating, and so I hope that as I open up my inner world and my journey of healing through trauma, grief and loss will help others who have experienced it, to feel less alone. As Isolating as trauma is, it is also collective and the collective trauma is rising at this time. The body of the earth and our human bodies are ‘maxed’ out so to speak. Release and transmute of the leadened burdens we have carried for long generations into golden spiritual seeds and lessons is imperative at this time.
The trauma that I suffered is related to a long line of ancestral trauma in my feminine lineage of violence against women. I come from a long line of powerful African women whose power was often imposed over by men through physical aggression. My grandmother died of throat cancer and I feel her presence with me, reminding me to speak my truth, to tell my story and reminding me that I matter. During her funeral I had my first mediumship experience at the age of 9, I felt her presence, envisioned her in my third eye and heard her promise to be with me as as guide. She often appears in my dreams and visions in her colourful head-dress. It was such a gift at the age of 9 to experience connection beyond the physical.
Recently, I was faced with a great challenge to apply all my spiritual attention to healing separation from my two infant boys who were forced out of my care pursuant to a patriarchal international law called the Hague Convention. I reveal this here because I am not the only woman who was powerful in a relationship, resisted patriarchal control, prioritized her liberation, and suffered physical aggression or separation from her children because of it. When it happened, I was angry at spirit, angry at the Goddess for making me powerful to the detriment of separation from my children. I wanted to shrink, play small so that I would never be imposed upon again. But it wasn’t only about shrinking, because the separation from my children was part of a patriarchal ploy to control me in my feminine power and instil psychological harm as a poison. I was placed in a difficult situation where I had to make a choice between my feminine liberation or being a mother to my children . I choose love of my feminine self over the created fear of losing custody of my children. Through this I learned that our ancestors paid a high price for the freedom that we enjoy today. Freedom isn’t always just a given, sometimes we pay a high price for it. And I am an ancestor living here present today. We all are. We all belong to the ancestral clan. This is where I find my strength. We are not separate from those who walked before and after us. We are the ancestors. And I was breaking a difficult cycle.
During my time of grieving the loss of my children, I struggled through dense heartbreak. My youngest son was still breastfeeding when he left and so the physical nourishment/ bond was difficult to process in the grieving. I searched far and wide of answers and I found my relief in the nourishment of mother nature. I understood that the grief I felt in my heart during this time of change, the earth was also experiencing through her transition . Many times during my grief, I would go into nature and somehow felt understood. A sense of compassion and empathy with the earth emerged in our relationship . I felt the earth invited me in my grief because she understood it , and I also in a human/emotional way, I understood her grief at this time . The earth is alive and she feels. The earth feels the separation between herself and the children of the earth. The earth has had to multidimensionally raise her dimension in order to be reunited with her soul and the soul of her earth children.
In my relationship with the earth multidimensionally, I was guided to do the same. To heal the separation from my children by walking up the difficult path of consciousness and cross over to the higher dimension of the soul. A place where the ancestors reside and also a place where the souls of my children reside as they too, are the ancestors. After returning from the Heart Flame Retreat I was guided to begin this connection. I was so surprised at the release and relief healing I received through connecting on a soul level with my children. In this higher dimension we can communicate telepathically. We can share stories and songs through Clairaudience. I can feel them through Clairsentience. Through Clairvoyance, I can visualize them. It is real, because the deep, heavy, physical pain of grieving their loss has lifted. I no longer live with unending grief and I have began to enjoy my physical experience once again. This is the greatest testament to shamanism and the path of the soul for me right now.
When I carried my children in my womb, we shared in the fire element of the soul and so through the fire element of the soul, we are always connected . When the earth carried our souls through her body, passing from spirit into this physical experience, we were also connected to her soul through the fire element and always will be. For this I offer great gratitude to the sacred fire that assists in the embodiment of our souls .
For those who believe in ancient Egyptian mythology and Venus, I read in a book by Tom Kenyon, titled “We are the Hathors” about a journey of ascension that was very similar to what I had experienced with the Earth. If this story doesn’t resonate, honour that, but I share this here because it is a similar theme. The Hathors appear in many of the temples of ancient Egypt and are often depicted as an aspect of a nourishing Goddess. They are said to originate from Venus. They shared in the book that their civilization experienced collective trauma that wiped out a part of their collective. And it was through the grief and the yearning to connect to their dearly departed loved ones that they were able to make their collective ascension into a higher dimension of the soul. They found that through the fire element, that the soul could live on beyond the physical. They apparently appeared in ancient Egypt to share these keys of their ascension and tools for connecting with life- force energy. And strengthening our connection through the fire element of the soul to all things.
I feel that what is going on collectively on earth right now is similar. There is a collective grief that is showing up as we are collectively being called to ascend and embody all of our soul aspects. We can no longer ignore the emotion of grief. I have been called as I journeyed through the emotion of grief to search my life for areas where my energy was left leaking into the past because of lack of completion. I used the emotion of grief not only in the present moment but to be complete with all areas in my life that are not serving me anymore. In the past, because I was very avoidant with the emotion of grief I continued relationships that I knew needed to end so that I would not feel the heaviness of grief. And creatively it showed up as many creative projects, left undone because I did not want to get to the end and feel grief.
The questions that show up for me now as I am processing this collective grief is … what is my personal offering to this? Are there areas in my life where, through avoiding grief, I have hindered completion? And therefore hindered the new calling on my soul? In this ending, how can I honour the past as it contributes to my new emerging future?
The grief is physically showing up in the heart of humanity. In our physical hearts and in our lungs. There is a reflection of this with the Coronavirus as it is impacting the area of the heart and primarily the lungs. The air element is calling us to embody the power of the breath for healing and regulation of trauma. To expand the area of our heart and lungs. I am guided at this time to incorporate breath techniques such as pranayama (in Hindu yoga – the regulation of the breath through certain techniques and exercises) and the Wim Hof breathing method (his story also has an undertone of healing grief by journeying through the nervous system after the death of his wife) into my daily routine as I physically transmute the grief that I share with the collective at this time.
I was also guided one year ago to begin cultivating an apocalyptic mindset to my daily life. Which looks like minimizing waste, growing sprouts, sprouting grains, creating nut based milks at home, investing in water filters and sustainability thinking . Now I can clearly see why, with the governmental isolation of cities in China and Italy. To my friends and family I ask, what does a positive apocalyptic mindset look like to you? What supplies are most important to you? Are there ways to reuse or create sustainably with food and resources in your home life moving forward?
I realize that in order for me to move into the higher dimension through a path of ascension, I must transmute the density in my physical body. It’s not like some of the false prophets would say is completed simply by ‘raising ones vibration’. It is much deeper and may require a sustainable committed practice of unveiling all the ways we experienced separation. This is what grief is calling us to do, to heal our ideas of separation on all levels in order to fully embody oneness, our souls and unified love. It is a time of great change for the divine feminine to rise and take her throne. And the patriarchy isn’t giving it up easy, which is why much fear, chaos and grief is being manufactured as they make their last gripings of power. But the great change is upon us and we get to make a conscious choice between love and fear. We will be presented with numerous opportunities during this time of great change to choose between fear and love. It is an important choice for the evolution of humanity.
In this offering to the collective at this time of chaos, grief and ending.
May we find strength, connection, love and relief during this time.
May we overcome isolation and loneliness by falling fully & truly in love with our souls.
Take a walk to your favorite place in nature, that is close to you.
Allow a song to sing through you, connecting you with the trees, elements, and Mother Earth.
As you sing, what might it be like to reunite with parts of yourself that have felt separate?
What might be a committed regular practice you could do to continue unveiling ways you have experienced separation, reuniting with your soul?
This is such a beautiful writing of your journey. Your words and are so powerful and an inspiration for me to journey through my grief. Grief I’ve been carrying and compounding throughout my life. Thank you so much for sharing all of your beautiful wisdom so we may find our own way. Blessings and love to you.
I receive that . Thank you . And you are welcome .
I started to read this since you sent it to me on Instagram. You would note that was a couple weeks ago. Every time I tried, the intensity of the emotions involved would overwhelm me.
Your path is not an easy one. I cannot begin to imagine your grief.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Yes, dealing with grief can feel very heavy. But it is a part of being human and I am greatful for the opportunity to expand my emotional availability by acknowledging it.
And allowing it to inspire me with compassion for those women who may be dealing with grief. As one woman heals, all women heal.